My Dear Letters

It's that time again - time for some Dear Letters!

Dear Jenkins Family Immunity,
Stop it. Just stop it. Whatever it is that's driving you to such distraction that you've left us all out in the cold for the last 6 months, QUIT! The kitchen looks like a pharmacy. The house smells like ammonia. The doctors are getting jumbled up and confused in my mind. Can you please get your butt back in gear and do your job already?! Thanks,

signed: a-sick-of-the-meds-the-dosing-the-charcoal-and-the-fomentations-the-appointments-and-the-missing-out-on-SUMMER!-Lisa


Dear Poison Control,
You are pretty awesome, I have to admit. Thanks for answering on the second ring, calming this mama's hysterics, and informing me that I do not, in fact, have to induce vomiting for every ingested chemical. Thank you for not talking to me like I'm a terrible mother, and thank you for calling me back the next day to check on everyone, both ingesting child and insane mother. I do appreciate it! Maybe I'll put you guys on speed dial so I don't have to look it up next time!!! ..... or not.

signed: a-"hello, POISON CONTROL??? I need to know where to buy ipecac!!!!!"-slightly overreacting-mom-Lisa


Dear Emmy,
Please don't make me call poison control ever again. They might be awesome, but I'm still pretty sure they think I'm nuts and maybe it's just my conspiracy theory tendencies, but I think they might call CPS on me if I have to call them more than once in my whole entire parental career and THAT was it. So.... no more spraying the Orange Oil Pledge in your mouth. Yes, it does have a picture of an orange on the label. No, that does not mean it's edible.

signed: a-'life's-never-going-to-be-boring-with-this-girl'-Mom


Dear Lisa,
You. Yes, you! I'm talking to you-ooo!!! First of all, let's learn from our lessons the first time, shall we? Okay, good. Now. Since that little pep talk didn't happen earlier in the week, let's go over some basic principles that will *hopefully* keep us out of trouble again, okay? Great. First: don't leave hazardous chemicals in plain view of the children. EVER. Second: don't turn your back on said children OR chemicals, but especially not when both are in the same room (or out of doors on the same PLANET together, mmm-kay? Third: Poison Control might be a wonderful resource, however, they are NOT the people to call when your child has sprayed deet-filled bug spray in her face. Technically, that's not INGESTING the poison, now is it?

signed: a please-stop-talking-to-yourself-it's-freaking-me-out-Lisa



Dear Broken Ta-Ta,
You served me well through 4 babies and 43 months of nursing. Why you've suddenly decided to go kaput on me for the past 3 months is beyond me. I thought we had a deal. I thought we understood each other. Now? Now it's like you've crossed over to the dark side. I swear, this IS the last kid, so could you please just... hold off on going on strike for another 6 months or so??? You're killin' me here! No matter how hard you push me, I just simply can't give you a raise right now. That's all there is to it. You're going to have to wait! So let's get back to work, shall we?

signed: a slightly-lopsided-ouchie'd-broken-ta-ta'd-Lisa



Dear Dishwasher,
I think about you often (especially when it's really humid out and I remember when I was a kid and the hot, humid air that old dishwasher would fill the kitchen with). I dream of the day we finally meet (which as of publication has absolutely no plans of happening in the near future). I wonder what it would be like to bring you home and make you part of the family (a productive part of the family, I might add, since we all work together 'round here). We'd really love to adopt you. It'll be fun! Kind of like a playdate that never ends (there's only 6 of us, how bad could it be?)! We'll take good *ahem* care of you! Hope to see you soon!

signed: a "what-do-you-do-when-your-dishwasher-stops-working?-smack-her-in-the-butt(and tell her to get moving)-of-the-joke-Lisa



Dear Joshua,
Congratulations. We're not even two weeks into summer vacation and you've already beaten the Mario Kart game. I know this somehow makes you believe that you are a way better driver than me since I am NOT that great at the game. I know that you think mad Mario Kart skillz translates to mad IRL driving skillz, but yeh, not so much. Sorry. Please take this into consideration next time you try to be the back seat driver. You still have 9 years till you get your license, bud, so slow it down, k?

signed: a-please-stop-telling-me-how-to-drive-my-Wariomobile!-uh-wait-what-do-I-do-here?-Mom



Dear Online Friends/Community Members:
I realize that spelling is very difficult for most some of us these days (and no I'm not trying to say I'm perfect). I realize that predictive text, a facebook spellcheck that says "facebook" is not a word, and a pop culture that has dictated cutesy little abbreviations and acronyms are not only acceptable but preferable to actually spelling out WORDS has made spelling skills seem obsolete. I assure you, they are not obsolete. Go ask your boss. So, let's practice one teensy little rule of thumb for those cutesy status updates: express yourself with all the WoooHoooos!!! and Yeeehawwwwws you want, but please, please, PLEASE refrain from extending the silent "e" as if it were actually the sound you WANT to extend!!! It doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense! Like trying to accentuate the word "huge" for instance. Please don't say "hugeeeee" because I totally read this to say, "hug. eeeeeee." Huggy? Huggy? What does that MEAN?" Perhaps I'm too literal? I don't know. But for some strange reason, I do find it confusing when people extend a letter in a word that is supposed to have absolutely no sound! Comeeeeee over hereeeee!! Smileeeeeeeeeee!!!! You're on Candid Camera! Am I the only one annoyed by this terrible abuse of the silent "e"?

signed: a-biteee-me-cuz-thu-speleeen-crimeeeeee-is-a-lameeee-thin-ta-doo-and-it-scareeeeees-me-ta-tink-of-the-nest-jenerashun-Leeeeeeeeesa



Dear Pediatrician's Office,
Really? REALLY?! It takes y'all 6 DAYS to call me back with x-ray results? I mean seriously, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I made the appointment to see the ped. instead of taking her to the urgent care right here in town, but it wasn't URGENT when the sliver had already been in her foot for more than 2 weeks. And THEN you send us BACK to the same (much closer) hospital where we could have gone to in the first place, where we dutifully had the x-rays taken (which BTW, doc, WON'T show a piece of grass or wood, hello!) and then were sent away so the results could be read later and forwarded back to you whereas if we'd have just gone to urgent care in the FIRST place we'd have received them within an HOUR. Not. SIX. Days. Oh, and thanks for ignoring my numerous calls during those 6 days also. I mean, I can totally understand that you honestly thought the infection would clear up with the keflex, but some TIMELY communication about what WASN'T found on the x-ray would have been peachy. I'm not stupid. I'm not jumping at every little thing to rush my kids off to the ER for. Don't treat me like I'm THAT mom.

Oh, and P.S. - the podiatrist thinks you're a dork, too. The poor kiddo you ignored for a week will be in on Monday to have the ultrasound done that you should have ordered long ago and will likely have whatever it is in her foot removed surgically on Wednesday. No thanks to you.

P.P.S - don't mess with mama bear. Just so you know. For next time.

signed: Mama Bear




Dear Bose-less, air-conditioning-less, fuel-injection-less, working fuel guage-less, did-I-mention-air-conditioning-less?, smooth braking system-less, older-than-the-hills Suburban:

*SIGH*

That is all.

signed: oh you know who I am. ME. *sigh*