Friday, June 25, 2010

Third Trimester Top Ten

The Non-TMI Version of Top Ten Reasons to Enjoy the Third Trimester

Okay, so if you've ever been to the third trimester, or been married to a woman who has been to the third trimester, you know without a shadow of a doubt there could be a "Top 100" of TMI reasons to love the third trimester.

But this is a public blog, after all, and so I'll spare the innocent few the gory details.

I DO think those gory details would be a great addition to any high school sex ed. class though. It would be a great push for abstinenece, especially if you got a GROUP of seasoned mothers all sitting around telling the high school girls their birth stories of pushing out nine pound babies, showing their stretch marks or c-section scars, describing cracked nipples, and perhaps sharing a vivid memory or two of the joys of hemorrhoids.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, top ten.

10. Exhaustion - Dude. I'm tired when I wake up, tired when I eat lunch, tired when I pass out on the chair after bribing the kids with a video to SIT STILL and BE QUIET for 15 minutes and tired when I go to bed. I kept telling God that I'd be SO happy to have another baby if I could just, you know, still feel good and ready to go and be energetic (you know, how you feel when your youngest is 2 1/2 and you remember what it's like to actually sleep through the night for several nights in a row) but He totally didn't listen to me. Apparently He looked down and said, "Ah, she'll be happy anyway." Which is true. But still.

9. Swollen Feet/Hands - Yes, I realize how sexy the sausage-toe look is these days, but then couple that with having NO shoes that fit anymore and resorting to flip flops in many colors and I REALLY have it going on. I hate having to take my ring off, though. So I bought this big ole' engagement ring of the century lookin' thing on sale at JCPenney's and try to wear that when I'm out. Except it catches on EVERYTHING. Maybe not a problem for normal people, but I'm apparently not that normal. See Reason #8:

8. Pocket-less Maternity Clothes - Look, I don't know who is designing these things, but they need to be shot. I've decided they're either designed by men (who have obviously never needed them or given a second thought to their ultimate FUNCTIONALITY) who think all pregnant women want to show off their extra cleavage, I dunno, maybe to distract all men from getting any farther than their chest so they don't notice the lack of a waist? OR, by women who are flat chested and will always be flat chested even when they're not QUITE flat chested when they're pregnant. There are actually some of us who are NOT flat chested and never, ever will be and so, being just fine with that fact but not having the need to flaunt it, I do not need to proclaim it to the world with low cut maternity tops. Please. make something that is long enough to cover the chest AND the belly but isn't a size 2X. Please. I don't need WIDER tops. I don't want a TENT. Sheesh. And what IS IT with the lack of pockets? And to those manufacturers who insist upon making FAKE pockets, that is a particularly sick joke, my friend. Especially to those of us who might, say, wear a fake ring to hide the fact they can't stuff their fat finger into their real ring and then get frustrated with the thing catching on everything so turn it AROUND...and then go to shove something into their FAKE pocket and end up shoving their money down the inside of their waistband while trying to find the REAL pocket and just end up with a long, red, nasty scratch down the side of their poor belly. And spare change skittering across the floor after exiting the bottom of the shorts. In the middle of a store.

7. The Return of Morning Sickness - There's just no way to describe how fun it is to keep waking up to pee in the middle of the night and inevitably stumble back to bed feeling the need to lean over the side of the bed in case you actually do puke,

6. Constant Nasal Congestion - This is one of my very first signs of pregnancy, and it sticks around the whole way through. I'm constantly sniffling. And my husband has learned there is more than one reason for him to turn on a fan at night. Not only does it keep me from overheating (unless it's 90+ degrees outside in which case NOTHING prevents overheating), it also drowns the sound of my BREATHING just a teeny bit. But not all the way. And then there's the occasional snoring to contend with. Not that I snore. Really. Yeah, so now and then when the congestion and exhaustion are running really high and in cahoots with each other, then my husband will make a comment something like this: "Wow, I can tell you're really tired today because your lip is REALLY drooping!!" ... It usually happens when I'm trying NOT to breathe through my nose because I'm really stuffy and so I am breathing through my mouth, while attempting to do it lady-like in some way, shape, or form which means I'm holding my mouth mostly closed and only just open enough to get in enough air to not pass out, and by the end of the day I can actually FEEL the bottom lip starting to... droop. And the second my husband points it out I make it all SO much better by bursting into tears and having a good cry. Followed by more intense congestion and a splitting headache.

5. The Sneeze Factor - Uh, oops. How'd this one get in here? This is definitely a TMI one. If you've ever been pregnant, you know I don't need to elaborate here.

4. The Hip Waddle - OUCH! - It's the catch-22 of symptoms. In some ways you're glad your hips and all the pelvic joints that aren't really "joints" can just loosen up like that so long before labor begins so you can push out that 9 lb. baby without breaking, but really, who wants their pelvic joints to be so loose they feel like they're coming apart for 10 weeks?!

3. Just Call Me "Clumsy Butterfingers" - Here's what you do when you drop something (or your other children do) on the floor. First hike up the maternity pants that will fall down if you don't, spread your knees to make room for the belly, take in a deep breath and hold it 'cause you won't be able to breathe again until in the fully upright position, and reach down to grab it, exhaling sharply 'cause you thought you did, but you really don't, have enough room for the air AND the baby AND all your organs in there while scrunched over in that position. But here's the catch: I think it must be Murphy's Law or something. Or maybe we should call it Murphy's PREGNANT LAW: Once the object is retrieved from the depths of the floor, it will INEVITABLY be dropped again. Possibly 3 or 4 times before you finally manage to get a tight grip on it. Invest in one of those long-handled grabber thingies you see on infomercials. Or just do what I do and wait until you can hardly see the floor and then go around on hands and knees with a basket. Or wait till your husband steps on a lego. That works, too.

2. Hello, Psycho! - There are NO mood swings like Pregnant Mood Swings. Although.... I might recant that when I'm somewhere around the age of 50. We'll see.

And - drumroll please - The NUMBER ONE reason to enjoy the third trimester:

1. The Nose Spread - The Nose Spread? You ask. Yes. The Nose Spread. When I wake up one morning and look in the mirror to find that my nose has doubled in width and is spreading across my face. Oh yes, I assure you, it does happen! And it happens to go very nicely with the sausage toes and the lip droop mentioned earlier. I used to think it was all in my head, that surely my nose couldn't really be doing such things to me, that it was an optical illusion and once again my mirror was to blame (mirrors are to blame for a LOT of things, you see) but then I saw this one picture of Tiffany-Amber Theissen and I KNOW her nose didn't use to be that... big. I just really love it when celebrities are so... REAL... when they're pregnant. 'Cause really, not all of us can be Nicole Kidman.


Rachel said...

You're so funny Lisa. I was there such a short time ago- 7 weeks to be exact.
I do have a suggestion. My midwife sells 6 week tea. This helps A LOT with the swelling. Also more protein helps.
I had to smile about the stuffy nose. Rick runs an air purifier on high when I'm pregnant because I breathe too loud when I'm pregnant.
As to dropping things... Little ones do great for you when you can't bend over.
But I did have to invest in 3 new pairs of maternity pants this time because I wore out the knees on my other pairs.
Too funny!

Rachel said...

Oh, one more thing. If you want the number to order the tea, facebook me. I'll send it to you.


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